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Hollow Man |
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Jesus. Sweet Jesus. Allah be Merciful. Dear God why? This isn't funny anymore. Make it stop. All of these thoughts, and more came to mind when I was sitting in a movie theater in Minnetonka, Minnesota watching Hollow Man on a Sunday afternoon. The movie started out okay. It had the standard initial shock that all movies have. The little special effect-laden hook. It opens with the sound of a small animal scurrying about. It's shown to be a rat (computer generated, of course) running along the floor of a cage. After a few moments of scurrying, it lets out a shriek, and magically floats into the air. After a few more seconds, some unknown creature, possibly the creature that is lifting the rat in the air lets out an apelike noise and crushed the rat. 3D rendered blood and entrails abound in a scene that probably cost thousands of dollars. Hooray. Kevin Bacon's character, Sebastian. What a piece of work this guy is. Apparently, all he ever does is sit at his computer and play with fake genetic research programs, and fantasize (obsess) about having sex with his former girlfriend Linda, played by Elisabeth Shue. We find out that Sebastian's life-long dream was to successfully render humans invisible to the naked eye. After years of semi-dedicated work, that is, pressing the "T", "G", "V" and "M" keys on his keyboard over and over again in between having or thinking of having sex with Linda, he finally cracks the genetic code of humans, and discovers how to make members of the human race invisible. I would say that I wouldn't mind having that information myself, but I'd still have to listen to people talk, and I wouldn't know where to punch or kick if they were invisible. So Sebastian races back to the laboratory which is apparently very far under the ground for some reason. Maybe the building contractors were just making sure the surrounding area would be okay in the very unlikely case of something going wrong in the laboratory. Something catastrophic like a fire that might engulf the lab. Upon reaching the laboratory, Sebastian calls his scientist buddies, one of whom used to play supporting actor on that hit mid-90s NBC sitcom, The Single Guy. The third male in this epic motion picture (hah) is Josh Brolin, son of veteran actor James Brolin. Who, as you probably know but do not care to remember, is married to Barbara Streisand. Using the theory of circular logic, one could pretend that "Babs" is responsible for this flop of a movie. Again, I'm getting off track to take up space. Back to Josh's character. He plays the protagonist/heart throb/guy who actually gets to make it with Shue, Matthew Kensington. I'll throw in here that Kensington is the name of Elizabeth Hurley's character in the Austin Powers movies. Hurley starred in a remake of a 1967 movie, Bedazzled, the trailer of which I saw while waiting for Hollow Man to start in the theater. Out of the kindness of her heart, or perhaps to make the movie interesting by introducing a sub-plot to the cesspool, Linda goes to great lengths to make sure that Sebastian does not know of the relationship between herself and Matthew. After the gang joins Sebastian at the laboratory, Sebastian hops up onto the operating table, very eager to go and suckle the fruits of his efforts. I say suckle, because I am foreshadowing a section of this review. After some more wastes of money, that is, special effects, Sebastian turns invisible. Hooray. The movie is over. But it isn't. Damn. After turning invisible, Sebastian apparently goes nuts with boredom, or pornography withdrawal. For fear of frightening the public, the rest of the team has elected to keep him in the laboratory, and watch over him like some sort of precious commodity. We eventually get to see just how precious he is, when he wakes up, wanders over to where a secondary character called Sarah is sleeping peacefully. Then, like any good invisible man would do, he unbuttons her blouse and freely fondles her breasts. Hot dog, soft-core pornography and a horrible plot. Since I really did not like this movie I did not pay much attention to the sequence of events. I will instead describe and comment on random scenes. Sebastian then decides to be a rebel, and leave the compound. He has his face covered by some unknown quick-drying goop with luxurious cut-out eyeholes feature, and some hip shades. Probably the only halfway enjoyable part of the movie occurs while he is cruising the streets in his convertible and stops at a light. He looks over and spots some rowdy kids in the back of a Mini-Van. He decides to take his sunglasses off and scare them. Wow. Comedy at its finest. I realize that the way I described the scene was absolutely dreadful. But so was the movie. Sebastian arrives back at his hotel, and promptly starts staring at the window, where a young woman is just getting out of the shower, in a bath robe showcasing her womanly bits. I wonder what will happen?! After watching the woman do her hair for a while Sebastian rushes into the bathroom to relieve himself. He removes the new mask that the science team spent thousands of government dollars to construct, and slips out of the door. Tricky! Sebastian is a scientist. That must mean he's smart. He must also be psychic, because he knows exactly in which room in the adjacent apartment complex the woman is. Right. Sebastian decides not only to be a voyeur, rapist and just general sexual predator but also the only adult who enjoys playing the childish prank of knocking on a person's door and running. He does this twice, before covertly slipping in behind the woman before she closes the door again. He wanders around the apartment, getting a feel for the way his victim lives, like all good sexual offenders and psychopaths do. He waits until she goes back to doing her hair before springing onto and throwing her onto the bed, raping her. Hooray. |
After raping his neighbor, Sebastian
decides to pay a visit to one Dr. Howard Kramer, whose only role in the
movie thus far was at the beginning of the movie, where he told our
wonderful team of scientists that their funding has been cut because they
wasted too much time making dogs invisible. Sebastian killed a dog
by picking it up by it's hind legs and slamming its head into a metal
cage, by the way. Sebastian decides to "discuss" this matter with the
good doctor. He does this by throwing him into the backyard pool and
drowning him. For being a relatively young and athletic person,
Sebastian sure has trouble killing the fat old man. Sebastian then
runs away, back to laboratory, because he apparently missed his curfew.
Bad murdering, raping, child-scaring invisible scientist! At some point in the movie, either before or after the murder scene, Sebastian acts on his second favorite past-time: Stalking his ex-girlfriend. He goes to her apartment, and looks in the bedroom window, which is conveniently located right next to a fire escape for easy invisible peeping man access. In a shocking turn of events in this movie that always keeps the viewer guessing, Matthew comes into the apartment just moments after Sebastian arrives. Matthew tells Linda that he is sorry he was late. Sebastian is confused. Apparently he did not catch the young couple in their many kissing sequences. Mr. Kensington was obviously at the cricket match having tea and crumpets with the Queen. Linda responds to Matthew's arrival by saying "I was about to start without you." What could she be talking about? A new experiment, perhaps? A new way to get the government to fund them again? The answer is apparently in her pants, as she begins removing them. Matthew believes they are hiding in her throat, and thusly begins to kiss her. They fall on the bed and fondle each other freely. Our favorite Voyeur is still outside the window, irate. He jumps down from the fire escape and throws something at the window. It breaks, and large pieces fly through the room and land on the bed. Linda is afraid, so they naturally head down to the lab. Go team, go! Our super science team receives notification that their beloved Dr. Kramer has died. They all instantly blame society. Then they blame Sebastian. They go looking for him. But he's invisible, so how do they do that? Why, by turning on the multi-million dollar infrared scanning device they bought because they were turning rats invisible and losing them. Yeah, they spent that much money on rats. I guess they didn't want to starve their Inviso-Gorilla. Anyway, two of the men, one of whom I forgot to mention until now, and Sir Matthew of Suckington. They put on way cool headsets, and get some weapons and go off wandering the lab aimlessly. Have no fear. The rest of the team is in their magical control booth, guiding the men to Sebastian. Sebastian is standing still, because he is unaware of what is going to happen. Or he knows exactly what's going to happen. I would have to go with the latter, seeing as how the moment they spring upon him, His Royal Majesty Matthew ducks out of the way, while the other guy gets hit with a pipe and dies. How sad. Eventually, the other supporting characters get killed off, one by one. The Fondled One, as I call her, dies a particularly gruesome death via a random heavy metal pole, after she strategically squirts blood packets around the room trying to find Sebastian. She finds him, and he pounces on her, something he apparently enjoys doing to buxom women. The male co-star from the mid-90s NBC sitcom The Single Guy dies in much the same way, being ran through with the same heavy metal thing. What of our two lovers? Linda and Matthew have successfully evaded being killed by Sebastian thus far. Matthew nearly bites it when he's wounded in the stomach. Linda comes to his aid and wisely drags him into a freezing chamber that locks from the outside only. This is apparently where they send the bad scientists for time out. Either that, or they are breeding ice cubes that have hands, and they do not want them to escape and be a threat to society. Sebastian then leaves to go find a cart with some form of sulfur, which will make things explode. He turns on the timer that just happens to be on it for some reason. Matthew has ceased breathing by this time, and Linda is very cold. But miraculously, Matthew "Lazarous" Kensington wakes up! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the protagonist has risen once again. Linda and Matthew eventually escape their icy-fate and run around trying to find Sebastian. They find him, and he wants them to die. Linda grabs a fire extinguisher, and sprays him, momentarily stunning the Incredible Vanishing Pervert. Somehow, the sprinkler system is activated, and our two mighty heroes can safely save their asses by using the elevator. But wait! The elevator has lost power! No fear, as our intrepid scientists use the tactic of opening the escape hatch at the top of the elevator. They make the jump to the ladder that runs parallel to the elevator, and begin their climb to freedom. Matthew has wisely decided that he should go first, in case Sebastian has somehow managed to get in front of them. Oh well. Suddently, the bomb explodes! A wave of fire races through the corridor of the laboratory, the force of which causes the elevator to rocket up the cable, yet our two human heroes manage to hang onto a rickety ladder and remain where they were before it went of. Not only are they smart, they are also strong. A few more minutes of climbing and they have successfully escaped the lab. So that's why it was underground. Gee, I didn't realize that the fact it was underground had anything to do with the movie. Oh, wait. Yes I did. And what of the Hollow Man? He of course perished in a fiery death with the animals that were in their cages on the other side of the lab. I wonder if the animal rights activists said anything about that? Maybe they all became advocates for human rights after seeing this movie. I know I almost did. Almost. |
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